Am I enough?
(This is part 2 of Tamara’s cohort story. Read part 1 here.)
I don’t know that words will ever be able to capture the significance of the final day with my Cohort this July, but I will try.
One of my biggest struggles in life has been feeling inadequate. I’ve gauged my self worth on my achievements, performances, perfections, and imperfections. I’ve placed far too much value on what others think of me. I’ve always been my biggest critic and I’ve never lived up to my own expectations.
This is why it was so important for me to find my “Sabbath”.
It has always been difficult for me to just be ok with who I am and who God made me to be, even for just one day a week. And, finally, throughout the Cohort (and the pandemic), I was slowly practicing self-acceptance.
At the end of our Cohort experience, we came together for a retreat at the beautiful lake home of one of our members, where there was enough space for us to have a safe and socially distanced gathering, mixed in with some Zoom sessions. Throughout the day, each of us had the opportunity to meet individually with Steph and Lisa (the best Cohort leaders around).
In our time together, they just poured into me reminders that I am enough—that I am good, just as I am.
When I would say I was trying to work on something, they would stop me to say that I don’t have to keep trying, that people find refuge and sweetness in my company. That my very name, Tamara, means “date palm”, which was the proverbial honey sought after in the promised land.
I have a really hard time hearing good things about myself so, as beautiful as this moment was, it was also challenging for me to believe everything they were saying. But I came closer than I ever have before.
Later in the day, Steph revealed that she had made a painting for us inspired by Genesis 1 (because our group always seemed to end up back there no matter where we started). The painting consisted of twelve canvases, one for each member of Cohort Dalet, and each canvas had a word hidden somewhere inside it that started with the Hebrew letter, ד, (Dalet).
Steph asked us each to choose the canvas we were drawn to. Though we’d been studying Hebrew words, none of us knew Hebrew well enough to know what word was hidden in our canvas. We would need to trust our gut.
As soon as Steph lifted off the sheet that had been covering the painting, my eyes were drawn to one particular canvas. Everything in me said I needed to have that one. I’m not usually one to pick first (or even near the beginning), but I picked mine second.
After everyone had chosen their painting, we gathered together again and shared why we had each chosen the one we had. Then Steph shared the word that was in each painting, and what it meant.
When it came to my turn, I explained that I had been drawn to the canvas I chose because I am drawn to darkness. The one I chose had the most darkness, and it also reminded me of the Milky Way.
It was in this moment that I received undeniable proof that God is real and that the Holy Spirit was present with us that day. (I struggle to believe this lately, and I needed a reminder.)
Steph revealed to me that the word in my canvas was דַּי (dái). It means “enough, sufficient, adequate”.
I did my best not to have a full on ugly cry in front of everyone, but that was what my soul was doing at the time.
If ever there was something I needed to be reminded of or to take with me from the Cohort experience, it was that one simple fact: That I am enough. I am sufficient. I am adequate. Just as I am, with all that I am and with what I am able to offer. I may never feel like I am enough, but that day God and thirteen other people made me believe that I am.
Because I tend to forget, I knew it would be important to mark this moment. So, for my 39th birthday, I had the word “dai” tattooed on my wrist to serve as an everlasting reminder of Cohort Dalet, that special day, God’s love for me, and the truth that I am, in fact, enough.
And my story doesn’t end there.
A week after I got this tattoo, I was approached about a new position at work that I would have historically turned down—for fear that I wasn’t good enough. But I looked down at my wrist, cursed the old messages in my head, and submitted my resume. I’m only a month into my new job, and some days I question whether or not I actually am enough, but then I get a little reminder of why I’m there and I keep moving forward, trusting what I’ve been told: that I am.
- Tamara Kasal, Cohort Dalet Alumni
Does Tamara’s story resonate with you? Want to learn more about the 40 Orchards cohort program?
You can find more info on our website. Or better yet, email us. We’d love to find a time to zoom or walk with you to learn your story and talk more about whether this is the right next step.
Banner photo by Dayne Topkin on Unsplash