Compost for the Garden. You decide if it’s fertilizer for your faith or if it’s just sh**.

Of all the things that could have triggered me on a Facebook feed this week, I was surprised that it was a call for unity that got me. On the surface it seems like a good and reasonable ask. It can even sound spiritual and Christ-like. So what made it feel so wrong in my heart and body? As I reflected on it, I understood what was wrong.

The call for unity wasn’t paired the work of repair.

‘Why have we fasted,’ they say, ‘and You have not seen?
Why have we afflicted our souls, and You take no notice?’
In fact, in the day of your fast you find pleasure,
And exploit all your laborers.

Isaiah 58:3

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“Hope” is the thing with feathers -
That perches in the soul -
And sings the tune without the words -
And never stops - at all.  ~ Emily Dickinson

Hope is not the thing with feathers
That comes home to roost
When you need it most.
Hope is an ugly thing
With teeth and claws and
Patchy fur that’s seen some shit. ~  Caitlin Seida

A recurring theme and wrestle in my life lately has been hope. 

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One of my seminary professors wrote an essay about the following question: 

“‘If you were stuck on a desert island and you could only bring one book of the Bible, which would it be?” 

While this might be a good opening question for one of our Circles, this question revealed some interesting things to me. I initially scoffed at the question, but then I thought about Genesis. Genesis would give me some creation stories and some good narratives to act out with on my imaginary stage. 

Then I criticized myself for not thinking more deeply about what I might need to hang onto mentally and went with Luke, because it’s a Gospel with some excellent women in it. I do appreciate an inclusive lens.  But then I thought maybe the Psalms since there’s a lot there and since I don’t really like them, I could keep my brain occupied with questions and creating my own songs on the desert island. 

As I was thinking about all of the options, I realized that many years ago, I would not have given a second thought to this question.

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“Build houses and dwell in them; plant gardens and eat their fruit.” - Jeremiah 29:5

As I imagine myself as an ancient Hebrew, who has found herself in exile in Babylon, I cycle through all the feels when I hear these words from Jeremiah.

• Grief: To build something here, and to cultivate and eat the fruit of a garden here, means we won’t be going back there. This change is real. It’s for the long haul.

• Confusion: If this change is for the long haul, then why are we building houses? Shouldn’t we be building a temple? Wouldn’t God want us to make finding a new place of worship a first priority? 

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Sometimes we hide difficult questions in a closet, lock the door, and pretend they don’t exist. Other times we try to fix the questions with easy answers so they stop nagging at us. In still others, we look for people who think the same way about the questions so we can yell at those who would think differently, and placate our discomfort with a sense of justification.

At 40 Orchards, we want to move towards difficult questions, and respond to their invitation to wrestle. 

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At this time of year, life tends to get sparkled up and decorated. Some of that can be a relief and a balm to our weary souls. But sometimes, we need something more. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy to choose. So, this Advent, Lisa and Steph are writing their answers to the question: Why choose the wrestle?

From Steph:
I understand the human propensity to not move towards the wrestle. It’s exhausting and frustrating and a lot of work. And it changes traditions. It may mean giving up authors or songs or churches or relationships or decorations that once felt like home. But what if those losses are the way through to something more? What if it’s the wrestle that gives you the sense of God with you that you’ve been longing for all along...

From Lisa:
What I love about this question is that it assumes that there is a choice about the wrestling. What I really dislike about this question is that it reveals to me how often I used to choose not to.  I didn’t know how important wrestling would be to me until I chose to intentionally try it...

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In 2023, 40 Orchards paused our cohort program. It would have been the seventh group, and pausing felt like the best way to honor the biblical concept of the Sabbath year. Now we are almost to the end of that pause, and are looking ahead to resume the cohort in 2024. Lisa and Steph have always had unique perspectives on the cohort experience, as Steph was part of its formation, and Lisa was part of the first group to go through. As they looked at the cohort starting back up again, they each had to think about their “why.”  Here are each of their responses to the question, “Why the cohort?” 

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We talk about deconstruction a lot at 40 Orchards. Many people in our community use the term to describe the process of taking down the theological constructs they used to hold. It’s about leaving behind a faith or church or way of seeing the world and (hopefully) reconstructing something new.

I feel a disconnect with the term deconstruction. Not because it is wrong, but because it doesn’t feel like it captures the depth and breadth of what is happening. 

Deconstruction sounds both complete and linear. It seems like once we deconstruct what didn’t work, we can rebuild something new and be done with it. But often, leaving behind and letting go feels both more cyclical and ongoing than that. There are some parts of my theology or practices that have had to go through this process multiple times over. Not only that, I may be deconstructing one part of my faith while reconstructing another, while not even asking questions about another. All at once.

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We start our Scripture Circles with a question. One of my favorite questions is,

“Where are you?”

It’s a different way of asking how someone is that allows for some creative answers. For the past few years, I’ve answered that I am in the wilderness of Beersheba, hunkered down and tending a well for people who are passing through the wilderness. There’s a lot to unpack with that statement, but that’s not for this blog. 

What I want to talk about  is how living in the wilderness has been going for this season of Advent and Christmas (amongst many other significant holidays). 

For those of us who are deconstructing, reconstructing, or trying to construct, this season can be difficult. 

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