Claire’s Story: Rebuilding Faith on My Own Terms
To come back to some sort of faith, I needed to be allowed to not believe in God. At least for a while.
The faith of my childhood and young adulthood, like many others had completely failed me. I looked to leaders who professed to love God, who said they believe in what I was taught and frankly, did the opposite. They didn’t seem to care about the poor, or the vulnerable. They rejected anyone in need, anyone on the outskirts all in favor of more money and more power.
One of the things that I heard someone say once is that it wasn’t people who were on the edge who’d been leaving the church, it’d been those who were all in. I was so all in. I’d been a co-emcee at Campus Crusade in College (I wasn’t allowed to be the only emcee because “GASP” I was a woman …) I’d gone to church at least twice a week for as long as I could remember, and you’re looking at the recipient of a Timothy Award (IYKYK).
I was SO good at being a Christian.
But, at some point, what I had been taught, didn’t match what I was seeing. Why was one of my friends, who was the most kind and loving person I knew, not allowed to be a leader in the church, just because he was gay? Why was I not allowed to be a leader just because I was a woman? Why did it seem like most of the influential “Christians” I knew cared more about “purity” than making sure poor families had food to feed their kids?
I’d tried to hold on to some sort of faith thing – because I knew somewhere deep it really mattered to me. That’s where I’d found 40 Orchards. It was a new way of looking at the Bible. A new way of wrestling with the text where there were as many answers as there were people in the room. A place that felt expansive, healing, and comforting.
But even after a while, I couldn’t do that anymore. I needed a complete break. I kept giving, however. Even when I was wondering if I didn’t really believe in God. I really couldn’t totally tell you why – maybe part of it was not having to have a hard conversation with Steph (hi, Steph). But there was also something in my mind that knew this space needed to flourish – that other people like me needed a safe space to land. A safe space to question.
I completely demoed my faith house. All the way down to the foundation and piece by piece I’m building it back up. It started with saying, “okay. I do believe there is something bigger than me.” But, for a while, I didn’t know what to call “it.” God, Jesus, Father, and Abba (that one actually makes me gag) felt gross and wrong. Too much baggage. So, at least for now, we’re calling HER Loving Creator. I’m leaning into expansion, mystery, and a little bit of “woo woo” and I’m trusting that all of this isn’t going to send me to hell. (I haven’t been struck by lightning … yet).
I’m devouring books by Richard Rohr, Barbara Brown Taylor, Gregory Boyle, and Pete Enns. I’m also letting myself enjoy books by Eckart Tolle, Tara Brach, and even the Tao of Pooh and believing that maybe, just maybe, the God of the Universe is expansive enough to allow for these to be teachers too. That perhaps, one viewpoint does not hold all the worlds’ wisdom, but we benefit from the wisdom of each other.
So, I found my way back to 40 Orchards. I found my way back to this small, cozy space, that is just about what I can handle right now as I am building back this very vulnerable, precious faith thing. These rooms that every time I enter, I’m reminded how deeply the Loving Creator cares about her creation. How she doesn’t care about how much we read the bible, how much we’re going to church, or how pure we are, but if we’re participating in the great work of helping her take care of her creation.
I’m slowly but surely reclaiming this sacred text that has so often been used as a weapon for me, and all the other spiritual vagabonds who want to use it instead to heal. Which in 2025, feels like critical and important work.
Claire’s experience shows the power of 40 Orchards to help people reclaim Scripture and rebuild faith in a safe, supportive community. Read our full year-end letter and make a gift today to help sustain this work into 2026.
